Why does it seem like the “most wonderful time of the year” always turns into the most stressful time of the year? Newlyweds try navigating their first holiday season together. Moms and dads are worried about buying the perfect toys for their kids. New parents are trying to please all the grandparents by going to every house on Christmas Day. Everyone is wanting to squeeze in as much “joy” and family traditions as possible in their short breaks from work and school. The next thing you know, you are fighting with your spouse, the children are overstimulated, and you are back to work without having any time to rest.

Have you ever noticed a shift in your actions and words when you and your partner are in conflict? A shift in which you’ve both reached a boiling point. Partners with an avoidant attachment style might shut down altogether or leave the situation. Partners with an anxious attachment style might become aggressive with the words they use or with their behaviors. These ways of responding to the conflict are typically a method of protection. Our brains are hardwired to connect with trusted people and seek safety. When we do not feel safety in a relationship or in moments of conflict, we go into self-preservation mode.

By using Eye-Movement Desensitization Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR), I work with clients to help them process and heal from these past traumatic experiences. Together we “clear out the shop” and reorganize the thoughts and emotions attached to these memories in a more desired and empowering way.

I thought that this event was over but quickly noticed I would relive this moment when I would cook, smelled smoke, and when I heard certain sounds. I couldn’t even manage the fire alarms at work, even knowing it was not a real fire. My body responded like it was real, like it was happening all over again. To avoid these images, body sensations, and feelings, I began taking precautions surrounding my triggers. After working with a therapist utilizing Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR), I was able to reprocess and desensitize the event. After working through this, I was able to detect if the triggers were a real threat or just a false alarm. I was finally able to think about this memory without feeling an overwhelming amount of paralyzing panic.

When a child’s needs are met by their caregivers, they develop a secure bond. From this bond, a secure foundation develops for the child to be able to view themselves as lovable, capable, and worthy of having their needs met. From this secure base, the child is able to explore their world. When we become adults, this innate need for bonding and attachment does not go away. We ask our partners, “Are you there for me? Are you capable of meeting my needs?” That hardwired need for bonding is still important whether we are 2-years-old or 92-years-old. The basic and essential need for secure relationships and connection never goes away, despite, maybe at times, our effort to tell ourselves otherwise.