Is This a Request or a Demand?
When working with couples (and in my own marriage), I have noticed that the way we ask for things from our partners can either increase or decrease the likelihood of potential conflict. Are we requesting or are we demanding something from our partner? The way we communicate and how we receive their answer can help us understand which method we are actually employing.
Requesting can look like many things but it often starts with “Will you? Can you?” Requesting is asking a question and allowing the other person to answer based off their own needs, boundaries, and capabilities. It is being able to recognize and respect the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Demanding looks like a statement of something we expect someone to do, without them having much choice. Demands feel forceful with little regard for the others’ situations, thoughts, and feelings.
When you ask for something from your partner, what happens internally when your partner says, “no”? Can you accept their response? Do you notice that you are struggling with their answer? If you notice a strong reaction inside you or find yourself punishing them for their answer, then you might actually be demanding something rather than sharing a request.
It is normal to feel disappointed with how certain requests turn out (maybe you were really looking forward to a back rub tonight!). Intense anger or sadness tells us something else is happening in our experience. When we notice we are upset about our partner’s boundaries, it may be helpful to reflect on what this present moment means about you and/or your relationship. You might be thinking, “Does this person care about me? Do they love me?” You might even start labeling them in a negative way. Stay curious with your partner. They most likely do care for and love you. They are hoping that you can hear them when they say, “no”. But what happens if your partner is constantly saying “no” or not fulfilling any of your needs within the relationship? Getting your needs met and respecting your partner’s boundaries can be challenging. Meeting with a couple’s therapist, who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), can help navigate this cycle to increase communication, boundaries, connection, and vulnerability. If you are interested in connecting with an EFT therapist, contact us at info-mosaic@mdofficemail.com or 317-645-7691.
Written By: Cala Ochs, MSW, LCSW