Am I Screwing Up My Child?
Am I Screwing Up My Child - Developing a Secure Attachment
As a new mom, and as a therapist, this question runs through my mind daily. From the time you announce your pregnancy, you get opinions and well-intentioned advice from friends, family, neighbors, and strangers. You start researching the safest car seats. Bumbo seats or no bumbo seats? Swings or bouncers? It’s a lot to process, but you may not realize the added concern of the baby’s emotional well-being until it’s 3am, you’re running on 45 minutes of sleep, and nothing is soothing the baby. All you want to do is get some rest and peace and quiet. You start to wonder, “Am I coddling the baby? Am I neglecting his needs? Am I screwing up my kid?”
Of course, the opinions and advice from others doesn’t stop after the baby arrives. I take in the advice from our parents, friends, Google, baby books, doctors, hours of child development classes, and numerous trainings in Attachment Theory. It can all be overwhelming and difficult to sift through. I have come to ask myself three important questions: “Am I accessible? Am I responsive? And am I engaged?” (A.R.E.) Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy asks this of couples. It stems from Attachment Theory, which has shown that when a child’s needs are met by their caregivers, they develop a secure bond. From this bond, a secure foundation develops for the child to be able to view themselves as lovable, capable, and worthy of having their needs met. From this secure base, the child is able to explore their world. When we become adults, this innate need for bonding and attachment does not go away. We ask our partners, “Are you there for me? Are you capable of meeting my needs?” I regularly see this in my work with couples. That hardwired need for bonding is still important whether we are 2-years-old or 92-years-old. The basic and essential need for secure relationships and connection never goes away, despite, maybe at times, our effort to tell ourselves otherwise.
The beautiful thing about attachment is that it is fluid and adaptable. You can have an insecure attachment, but it’s not irreparable. So when I wonder if I’m screwing up my kid, I’m learning to find grace. I am going to make mistakes, but it is my goal to make sure his needs are still met, and that I am Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged. I am showing him that I am present. I am responding to his requests for love, food, and comfort. I am engaging by talking with him and playing with him. While none of us are perfect and we all need to allow ourselves grace, by being Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged to the ones we love, we are helping create a secure attachment within them.
For more information on Attachment Theory, I recommend reading Love Sense by Dr. Sue Johnson.
Written By: Morgan Smith, MA, LMFTA