Working with “Parts” of You
Have you ever been pulled in two directions related to a situation? Maybe it’s a public speaking event and a part of you feels empowered while another internal voice is reminding you of all the ways you could fail in front of multiple people. Maybe you’re navigating the complexities of a romantic relationship and one part of you wants to relish in meaningful connection with your partner while another part is on alert, scanning for evidence of impending relational disaster. Or maybe it’s far more simple - a part of you says you should be asking for a side of veggies, but those french fries are looking a little too delectable.
Whatever the situation may be, we can often identify moments when there are various parts of us that seem to have conflicting agendas - or at least have various opinions related to certain events. According to the Internal Family Systems model, these are just various “parts” of us that have learned to assist us in navigating what life brings. Not to be alarmed, you are not losing your mind. In fact, these parts of us are perfectly normal - even necessary - to assist us in approaching challenges or difficulties.
Sometimes we experience parts that just seem stuck or overbearing. Maybe our inner critic feels unrelenting or we are exhausted by the way we engage with our loved ones when angry. Maybe we desire to practice grace with our children, but we notice our patience most days is thinner than we’d desire. We want to change, but how? Many times, these parts of us feel loud because they find their roles critical or important. These noisy parts of us usually have motivations of protection, recalling circumstances when they perceived themselves absolutely necessary to survive a complex situation. However, sometimes these parts also lack awareness of ways they may be perpetuating the very pain they are working so hard to avoid.
So what do we do about our different parts, especially the ones that feel too loud or lead us to engage in behaviors that we would rather not repeat? The first steps can be relatively simple - can we notice these parts? Can we engage with our parts with curiosity and compassion? Many times, our parts are loud because they have something important they want us to know. Below are some beginning questions to assist us in getting to know our different parents. We can utilize these questions to bring us increased understanding of our complex and unique system.
Is there a part that may be asking for some frequent attention from you? What may this part want you to know?
In listening to this part, do you notice other parts present themselves?
Do you find yourself able to approach this part compassionately or discover empathy for this part’s role in your internal system? How does this part feel about its role in your system?
What might this part need from you in order to feel comfortable “turning its volume down?”
These above questions are just a starting point - and our interactions with these parts may not feel successful at all. That’s okay. Our systems and parts are complex - meaning it may take time to learn about our different parts and experience effective engagement with them. Reaching out to a therapist to assist us in navigating our parts may be an important step to help us better connect with our parts or move us through a season of “stuckness.”
If you find yourself relating to the process of managing parts, below are some resources that you may find beneficial as you get to know your unique internal system.
“No Bad Parts” by: Richard C. Schwartz, PhD
“Altogether You: Experiencing Personal and Spiritual Transformation with Internal Family Systems Therapy” by: Jenna Riemersma
Written By: Lauren Salazar, MA, LMFT, LAC