Unwrapping the Gift of Connection this Holiday Season
Why does it seem like the “most wonderful time of the year” always turns into the most stressful time of the year? Newlyweds try navigating their first holiday season together. Moms and dads are worried about buying the perfect toys for their kids. New parents are trying to please all the grandparents by going to every house on Christmas Day. Everyone is wanting to squeeze in as much “joy” and family traditions as possible in their short breaks from work and school. The next thing you know, you are fighting with your spouse, the children are overstimulated, and you are back to work without having any time to rest.
How do we avoid these negative encounters with our loved ones and actually enjoy this season? Being aware of your own values and needs is a necessary first step. There may be times when you find yourself becoming angry or crying without realizing why you are having this response. Every so often, the reason is because an attachment need was not being met by a significant other. When an attachment need goes unmet, individuals have protective responses (think fight or flight). You might get loud, aggressive, or critical in order to engage your partner. Alternatively, you might withdraw, defend, or become distant to protect yourself from further pain. Before you can slow things down, you find yourself in a familiar pattern of fighting with your loved one.
So what is an attachment need? Humans all have a basic drive for security and connection with others. When that security is threatened, there is an unmet attachment need. For example, Kristy needed help with wrapping presents and cooking dinner before family arrived. Her husband, Tom, said he would be home in time to help, but he arrived 15 minutes before the rest of the family. Kristy felt like Tom did not care about her and was unreliable when she needed him. Instead of sharing this with Tom, she showed anger and pointed out other times Tom came home late. Tom felt criticized and unvalued for the contributions he has made to the family. Instead of sharing this with Kristy, he responded with defensiveness. Before they knew it, they were fighting instead of enjoying this season together.
If you want less of these negative interactions, you have to become aware of what is triggering for you. Take some time to slow down amid the hustle and bustle, and reflect on what is important for yourself. When you find yourself becoming upset with your partner, ask yourself where this response if coming from. Once you are aware of your needs, communicate them clearly to your partner. They cannot meet a need if they are not given the opportunity. Nobody is perfect, and you might find yourselves still falling into old patterns of arguing. When this occurs, seek to understand what was happening within yourself and what was happening for your partner. When you have these conversations, it can lead to emotional repairs and greater connection in the relationship. What better gift is there to have from your partner than strengthening the bond you share?
Written By: Morgan Smith, MA, LMFTA