Valentine’s Day: Gimmick or Invitation to Experiencing Deeper Intimacy with Your Partner All Year Long
It is the time of year in which we often embrace romantic love through symbolism of cards, chocolate, and hearts. We may reserve that “table for two” at our favorite restaurant and envision sharing a romantic evening with our person. While some couples may experience excited anticipation surrounding intimate connection on Valentine’s Day, other couples may find they are not mutually aligned in expectations surrounding intimate experiences. Could it be possible for couples to consistently experience satisfaction with intimacy? Exploring ways in which our inner worlds impact holistic intimacy may unlock the key to discovering a “Valentine’s Day” experience all-year-long.
Often couples present to therapy feeling stuck and dissatisfied regarding expectations related to intimacy - particularly in the bedroom. At times, the initial assumption is differences in libido are to blame. However, often the culprit for physical disconnect lies in emotional disconnection - not the other way around, and usually an insidious conflict “cycle” or “dance” is the driver for this disconnect.
A cycle is our pattern of interactions with our partner that often unintentionally breeds disconnection. Both partners may approach emotional experiences in unhelpful ways that contribute to emotional distance when both partners are longing for connection. Maybe one partner often pulls away during emotional interactions while the other pursues connection through angry comments or anxious questions. Maybe both partners find discussing the day-to-day needs at home or laughing about a favorite tv show comes easy - but talking about difficult emotions feels “too risky.” Maybe “sweeping things under the rug until things feel better” is a favorite go-to move regarding difficult experiences and conversations.
What we know is if we don’t talk about the “hard stuff” - and especially don’t engage in repair conversations following conflict - we have difficulty finding deep connection with our partner. The lack of deep connection often leads to uncertainty and disinterest in the bedroom - leaving us in even greater longing or experiencing resentment that can become slowly catastrophic.
So, what can we do if we suspect a negative cycle may be to blame for intimate disconnection? First, learn to identify some possible indicators:
Can I trust my partner to validate and hear my emotional needs? Can I trust my physical and emotional needs matter to my partner?
Can my partner and I confidently address conflict? Do we often feel more connected rather than disconnected after efforts to repair conflict?
Are “all topics” on the table for discussion with my partner? Can we engage vulnerably on topics that feel uncomfortable or risky?
Can I confidently believe my partner acts with goodwill, even when we disagree?
If you answered ‘no’ to any of the questions above, it may be time to explore the possibility of a cycle of conflict interfering with the intimacy you may desire with your valentine.
There are ways for couples to “get back in the driver’s seat” in response to a cycle, allowing the freedom for romance to be much more accessible and consistent.
Make intentional time on a consistent basis to explore emotional needs with your partner. Consider emotional connection and attunement a pivotal foundation to all other forms of intimacy.
Take notice of your own interpersonal patterns (dance moves with the cycle of conflict) or behaviors that may be unhelpful in allowing your partner to feel emotionally safe or heard during times of conflict.
Be intentional to acknowledge the importance of repair after conflict. Be willing to own the ways your actions may have hurt your partner. Recognize the coping strategy of “sweeping it under the rug” leaves both partners unsatisfied and feeling unheard.
If the above feels difficult or unattainable, it may be time to enlist the help of a skilled couple’s therapist. Particularly, therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) are trained to identify patterns within a cycle of conflict. EFT therapists should also remain attuned to the needs of both partners and explore ways these needs contribute to patterns of disconnect.
Written By: Lauren Salazar, MA, LMFT, LAC
The literary resources below may also help couples better understand their pattern of conflict.
“Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson
“Love Sense” by Dr. Sue Johnson
“Secure Love” by Julie Menanno
“Created for Connection” by Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sanderfer
“Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller