Let’s Take a Moment to Pause
Have you ever noticed a shift in your actions and words when you and your partner are in conflict? A shift in which you’ve both reached a boiling point. Partners with an avoidant attachment style might shut down altogether or leave the situation. Partners with an anxious attachment style might become aggressive with the words they use or with their behaviors. These ways of responding to the conflict are typically a method of protection. Our brains are hardwired to connect with trusted people and seek safety. When we do not feel safety in a relationship or in moments of conflict, we go into self-preservation mode.
It makes sense that you are responding in these ways to protect yourself or attempt to preserve the relationship. However, if your goal is emotional security and connection with your partner, these behaviors can be counterintuitive. So, when you start to feel that shift within yourself before you reach that boiling point, try taking a moment to pause.
When you pause and step away from the negative cycle you are stuck in, there are some guidelines you may want to consider to help ensure connection with your partner.
When you ask for a pause from the conversation, be sure to use the language, “Let’s take a moment to pause” or “I need time to process” instead of saying, “YOU need a pause.” This is taking ownership of your own needs and less likely for your partner to feel blamed. Let your partner know that you value the relationship and that is why you need space to collect yourself. Additionally, communicate to them a specified time that you will come back to them to further discuss the issue.
Doing the abovementioned steps will show your partner that they mean enough to you that you want to resolve this area of disconnect. It meets your own needs and speaks to your partner’s needs when you verbalize what’s going on for you. This helps anxious partners to feel more secure and less alone and allows for avoidant partners to create internal safety. It may feel difficult at first to recognize when you’re about to reach your boiling point or to slow things down in the midst of an argument. Over time, as you become more aware of your own emotions and triggers and as you build up trust with your partner, this process comes more naturally. When you create safety in the relationship, you move towards a secure attachment style, and reconciliation occurs more readily. Conflict will still occur in healthy relationships, but you develop more of an ability to self-regulate and effectively navigate issues when you experience security and connection in the relationship.
Written By: Morgan Smith, MA, LMFTA