New Year, New Me? A Case for Throwing Out New Year’s Resolutions and Discovering Your Inner World
You likely have done it. I know I have. It’s that time of year we annually make a declaration to hit the gym consistently or cut out that soda that’s threatening to shorten our lifespan. Maybe we want to practice being more mindful with our children. Or, you know, just not bite their heads off when we’ve heard “Mommy” for the 100th time in the last 10 min. The annual “New Year’s Resolution” is fast approaching - but what if the best gift to ourselves this new year is to just…skip it all-together?
It’s not hard to observe ourselves living in a culture that is filled with consistently asking, “What’s next?” How can we improve our mental health? Our financial situation? Or become more efficient in navigating household responsibilities and staying on top of the ever-growing calendar? How can we navigate healthy relationships with family and friends while being a productive community member? How can we model wellness for our children as well as take care of ourselves - or maybe just experience something that resembles adequate sleep (can I get an ‘Amen’ parents)?
While these are all valid and often necessary questions, I think sometimes the forever pursuit of improvement leaves us a bit out-of-touch with the one thing that will lead us to eventually find increased wellness across the multiple areas in our lives. To find this peace and wellness, we must begin the lifelong journey of observing what is happening within ourselves, from a place of curiosity and compassion.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) - a therapeutic modality pioneered by Richard Schwartz - invites us to take an assessment of all that is happening within ourselves in response to the ebbs and flows of life. IFS encourages us to find mindfulness as a regular practice in our daily functioning by discovering the motivations behind each part of us. Some of these parts may contribute to finding ourselves overstimulated or parts that perceive our vices (mine is coffee) to be a requirement to function. Maybe there is a part of us that needs to workout daily to avoid difficult feelings that may be paralyzing and crushing. IFS invites all our parts to have a seat at the table so that we can further understand our internal world and live more from a place of compassion, connection, clarity, courage, curiosity, creativity, confidence, and calm.
Because of working in the IFS framework, I have discovered one of my parts is often in pursuit of the next “task,” intentionally eliminating any real possibility of reflecting on what’s happening in my inner world. I think this was a survival strategy that allowed me to function in seasons of overwhelm as I adopted Dory’s “just keep swimming” life mantra. I have found this especially true in postpartum seasons of motherhood - just putting one foot in front of the other knowing there will be light found at the end of the tunnel eventually. Unfortunately, this “just keep swimming” mantra has also contributed to increased exhaustion, overwhelm, and exhibited frustration with the responsibilities I find myself swimming in. With good intentions, I can often entertain adopting many New Year’s resolutions - but am I possibly neglecting more important needs that would actually allow me to find sustainability in all of life’s demands?
If you have any “just keep swimming parts” like mine, I invite you to throw away the expectation of a New Year’s resolution, or two, this year. I invite you to allow yourself to experience and become curious towards your inner world. This can be as simple as a dedication to explore your inner emotional world when taking a drive to work. Or to begin working with an IFS therapist to assist in learning more about your parts that have allowed you to “survive” overwhelm. Whatever that may look like for you, feel free to remove the expectation to be anything different than who you currently are this season. Together, we may find that sitting with who we are in the “now” without expectation gets us much closer to our future goals than any specific resolution could.
Written By: Lauren Salazar, MA, LMFT, LAC
Some Recommended Books on IFS
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with The Internal Family Systems Model; By: Richard Schwartz
The Tender Parts: A Guide to Healing from Trauma Through Internal Family Systems Therapy; By: Ilyse Kennedy
Journey to Shalom: Finding Healing, Wholeness, and Freedom in Sacred Stories; By: Molly Lacroix
Self-Led: Living a Connected Life with Yourself and with Others; By: Seth Kopald
I Shouldn't Feel This Way: Name What’s Hard, Tame Your Guilt, and Transform Self-Sabotage into Brave Action; By: Allison Cook